Reconciling between serving and obeying my parents and avoiding what is Haram

A: This question requires us to give you a detailed answer on the subject of the relationship between parents and children in the following matters: First: According to Allah’s Purified Shar‘ (Law), it is an individual obligation for children to be dutiful to their parents; to obey them in what is Ma‘ruf (that which is judged as good, beneficial, or fitting by Islamic law and Muslims of sound intellect); to treat them well, using gentle speech, kindness, love, and compassion; to do what benefits them in matters of the Din (religion) and Dunia (this world); to serve them; and to maintain good ties with their relatives and friends, which is the summit of good behavior towards them. This includes all the extended family, i.e., grandfathers and grandmothers on the side of both parents; and all the descendant family, i.e. Sons and daughters. This is a well-established matter in the Din and there are many evidence in the Qur’an, Sunnah (what was reported from the Prophet), and Ijma‘ (consensus of scholars) on this matter. Allah (Exalted be He) says (what means): Worship Allâh and join none with Him (in worship); and do good to parents And: And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. (Part No. 25; Page No. 132) Allah (Exalted be He) enjoins His slaves saying: And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship to His (Glorified be He) Words: But if they (both) strive against you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do. Also, the agreed upon authentic Hadith by Al-Bukhari and Muslim, reported on the authority of Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) which says: “A man came to the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) and said, ‘O Messenger of Allah! Who among the people is most deserving of my good companionship?’ He (peace be upon him) said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, ‘Then who?’ He (peace be upon him) said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, ‘Then who?’ He (peace be upon him) said, ‘Your mother.’ He asked, ‘Then who?’ He (peace be upon him) said, ‘Your father.’” The narration of Muslim adds, “Then your nearest next of kin, then your nearest next of kin.” Therefore, the Nas (texts) of the Qur’an and the Sunnah declare it Haram (prohibited) to be undutiful or to do anything that harms parents. The Ijma‘ of the Muslims also agrees that that is Haram and that it is one of the gravest of major sins and most serious of guilty acts. Included in undutifulness to parents are: want of kindness, weariness, impatience, anger, and defiance towards them, especially in their old-age. (Part No. 25; Page No. 133) We ask Allah to grant us safety and well-being.Therefore, if it is supposed that there is ill-treatment on the part of the parents to their children, it is impermissible for the children to return evil for evil; rather, they must return it with good, acting upon the Saying of Allah (Exalted be He): Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allâh orders the faithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those who treat them badly) then verily he, between whom and you there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend. Parents are more deserving of good treatment than anybody else. Allah (Exalted be He) says: And that you be dutiful to your parents. Second: it is obligatory that children should obey their parents in what is Ma‘ruf, as long as they do not order them to commit a sin, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “There should be no obedience to a created being if it involves disobedience to the Creator.” Allah says: And We have enjoined on man to be good and dutiful to his parents; but if they strive to make you join with Me (in worship) anything (as a partner) of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not. And: But if they (both) strive against you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not; but behave with them in the world kindly It is authentically reported that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “There should be no obedience to a created being if it involves disobedience to the Creator.” (Related by Imam Ahmad) Therefore, children should not obey their parents if they order them to commit a sin, such as Shirk (associating others with Allah in His Divinity or worship); (Part No. 25; Page No. 134) drinking Khamr (intoxicant); unveiling the face; imitation of the Kafir (disbelievers) such as the Jews, Christians, and others; or other types of sins. Nor should they obey them if they tell them to neglect any of the Five Obligatory Daily Salah (Prayers), or not offer them in the Masjid (mosque), or other duties which Allah has enjoined upon His slaves. It is not permissible for children to obey them in any of these matters, but it remains the duty of the children to both parents to treat them kindly and be good to them, as long as this does not involve obedience in sin or in leaving the obligatory duties. As for obeying them in lawful and ordinary matters, such as marriage, divorce, etc., this depends on an evaluation between the possible benefits and harms. If the parents tell their children to do or not do anything that is against their interests, the children will not be blamed if they do not comply, but they should do this gently and politely. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “You know better about your worldly affairs.” Children will not be considered undutiful to their parents in this case. However, if the preponderant interest will be in doing what they are asking, obeying the parents will bring to children goodness, blessings, righteousness, and favor. Parents are the most worthy of all people to advise their children, and the keenest on benefiting them. Third: If children notice in their parents any deviation in their practice of Din, such as neglecting Salah (Prayers), committing Haram acts, or earning ill-gotten money, they should advise their parents gently and kindly that they must fulfill Allah’s Rights over them and abide by His Law. They should also make Du‘a’(supplications) to Allah to guide them. (Part No. 25; Page No. 135) They should work with their relatives or friends to try to reform them. If they respond positively, all praise be to Allah, otherwise the children should seek Allah’s Help and avoid being supported by the money they earn or living with them in the same house. But it remains their duty to treat their parents kindly in this world, following the path of those who turn to Allah in repentance. This will not be considered as impiety to parents, but it is not permissible to take it to the extent of being undutiful to them or severing relations with them.May Allah grant us success. May peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad, his family, and Companions.